


no questions asked

by bbyfruit



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Nonbinary Mikael
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-03-13 07:12:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13565493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyfruit/pseuds/bbyfruit
Summary: when jonas loses a bet to isak, he ends up with a new boyfriend and a master plan of revenge.





	1. the list

“If I beat you,” Isak says loudly, “or, scratch that,  _ when  _ I beat you, you have to do something for me, no questions asked.”

He’s got the game controller in one hand and the other hand in a bag of Doritos and Jonas rolls his eyes at the image in front of him. He can beat Isak at FIFA in his sleep. 

“Fine,” he agrees with ease. “It’s a deal.”

But the fucker’s been practicing, which Jonas realises halfway through the game. He must be playing with Even or something because there’s no fucking way Jonas is going to win against him, and now he’s going to have to whatever embarrassing and random thing that Isak wants him to do.

“I’m winning,” Isak crows in the last few seconds of the game, “I’m winning, I’m winning, I won!”

Jonas groans. “Fuck you.”

“Alright, listen,” Isak says seriously with his legs crossed and the bag of chips in his lap. “Go to the Chinese place down the street at 19:00 tonight.”

“I -- What?”

Isak points a chip at Jonas like it’s a weapon. “No questions asked,” he repeats.

Jonas blinks at him blankly. “That’s in like an hour,” he points out, and Isak’s nodding as he stands up and rifles through his closet.

“Put this on,” he says, tossing Jonas a black button down. Jonas is about to ask him why the  _ fuck  _ he’s doing this but then he remembers the rule, the no questions asked and he hates himself for agreeing to this shit. Dumbass.

So he puts the shirt on, argues with Isak as much as possible without asking any questions, and plays a rematch round of FIFA. Which he loses. Obviously, because that’s just how his day is going.

Jonas makes it to the restaurant only three minutes late. Isak had given him absolutely no more information and he’s confused but honestly, Isak is the only person in the world he would do something like this for. 

So he waits. He orders tea and leans back in his chair, watching the people walk by and he gets increasingly pissed off at Isak for making him do this.

“Hey, man,” a voice says. Jonas lifts his head from composing an angry text to Isak only to see Even’s best friend in front of him. 

“Mikael,” he answers cautiously. The two of them never really became friends, but they’re more than acquaintances. They’re friend _ ly _ , he supposes.

Mikael tilts their head quizzically and observes Jonas sitting alone at a table, wearing a button down. “Hot date?” they ask.

“Nah,” Jonas laughs, relaxing a little at Mikael’s light tone. “Isak made me come here when I lost a bet. I’ve got no idea  _ why _ , but he said no questions asked, so… here I am.”

A frown creases Mikael’s brow. “That’s weird,” they say slowly. Jonas is about to agree when they continue. “I’m here because Even said he’d owe me a huge favor if I came here, like, now.”

Jonas is puzzled for a second but it hits him hard, and he groans loudly, running his head through his hair.

“You know what this means, right?” he asks Mikael. It comes out slightly accusing and Mikael recoils a bit. “Sorry,” Jonas adds. “I just meant that they’re trying to set us up.”

“Set us up?”

Jonas nods grimly. 

Mikael laughs brightly and suddenly, swinging themself into the chair across from Jonas and sweeping their arms dramatically. “This, darling Jonas,” they say, “is the most poorly-planned blind date in the history of the world.”

“Fuck,” Jonas laughs, “our best friends are  _ assholes _ .”

Mikael nods. They sit for a little bit, watching Jonas sip from his tea, and then they gasp.

“What?” Jonas asks, looking worriedly at the way Mikael’s face lights up.

“Jonas,” Mikael says delightedly, “Jonas -- what’s your full name?”

Jonas blinks. “Uh, Jonas Noah Vasquez.”

“Oh, that’s pretty,” Mikael murmurs before they raise their voice a bit. “Listen. Jonas Noah  _ Vasquez _ . I have an idea.”

“...Okay?”

“Isak and Even want us to date so badly, right? So let’s give them what they want,” Mikael says, grinning and looking entirely self-satisfied.

Jonas pushes back his hair. “You’re… asking me out?”

“No offense, but no. I’m saying we give them what they want and then take it away. Let them  _ think  _ we’re together and then stage a huge dramatic breakup.” They grin wickedly.

Jonas is starting to get it now. “Payback,” he says.

“Teach them not to meddle,” Mikael agrees.

The two of them look at each other over Jonas’s coffee. 

“Are you sure about this?” Jonas asks as he takes another sip. 

Mikael taps the tips of their fingers on the table. “Are you kidding me? This is my most genius plan ever. Except for the one with the frogs.  _ That  _ was true genius.” They seem lost in thought for a moment, looking off into the distance with a tiny, secretive smile. Jonas has to restrain himself from looking over his shoulder to follow Mikael’s line of sight and from asking about the frogs. 

“Alright,” Jonas says, snapping Mikael out of their reverie, “so we’re doing this.”

Mikael grins brightly. “Hello, fake boyfriend.”

The two of them spend the rest of their “date” planning and making a list of rules, passing the paper back and forth and scrawling notes to each other while they eat dinner. At the end of the night, the list stands as follows:

  1. We date for two months and then have the biggest fight ever.
    1. Note for Mikael: practice fake crying
    2. ~~Note for Jonas: don’t fall in love with me ;-)))~~
      1. ~~Note for Mikael: Excuse you, don’t fall in love with _me_~~
        1. ~~Note for Jonas: i do what i want~~
  2. During the dating time, the following actions are encouraged:
    1. handholding
    2. casual dates
    3. cuddling consistently
    4. hugs
    5. obnoxious pet names
    6. double dates with Isak and Even
      1. Note: we MUST be cuter than them
    7. kissing
    8. ~~SEX!~~
      1. ~~NOTE FOR MIKAEL: NO~~
        1. ~~Note for Jonas: :-(~~
  3. ~~We get a dog together~~
    1. ~~NOTE FOR MIKAEL: NO!!!~~



 


	2. mikael's worst fear

He rides the tram home alone with Isak’s texts coming through his phone, precisely as they planned.

**Isak:** So?

**Jonas:** Fuck you, first of all

**Isak:** :)

**Jonas:** You got what you wanted, asshole

**Isak:** ?

**Jonas:** Mikael and I have another date tomorrow

**Isak:** ksdfklasjf

**Jonas:** Shut the fuck up

**Isak:** SKDJFSKSJF

**Jonas:** STOP THAT

**Isak:** Hey Jonas, it’s Even :) Isak’s fangirling so I took his phone. I’m really happy for you and Mikael, but you should know that if you break their heart or anything I’ll have to kill you and make it look like an accident.

**Jonas:** Noted. You know it’s the same for you

**Isak:** Of course. Hope you two have fun though! It’s really cool to see two people we love getting together like this and I’m really hoping it works out. We’ll have the most epic double dates. Text us updates! <3

**Jonas:** I will! Thanks bro

**Isak:** Why do you and Ev have to threaten each other

**Jonas:** Because I love you and he loves Mikael

**Isak:** Bro that’s gay

**Jonas:** [gif of Jim Halpert looking into the camera]

**Isak:** ksjfskaa

**Jonas:** DID YOU PICK UP KEYSMASHING FROM ESKILD.

By the time he gets home, he’s done telling Isak and ready to move on to the next phase of the plan.

He calls Mikael.

“Hey, lover,” they say when they answer.

“You can choke for that,” Jonas tells them.

Mikael hums a little. “Only if you’re the one who chokes me,” they shoot back, and Jonas bangs his head against the wall.

“You’re a menace. But the plan worked. Isak and Even know now.”

“Let me guess,” Mikael says, their voice sounding sweet through the phone line. “Isak gave his phone to Even, who threatened you in a very wholesome and loving way.”

Jonas nods before he realises that Mikael can’t see him. 

“Exactly,” he says. 

There’s nobody home so he flops on the couch and switches on the TV. 

“Fuck, I love Even,” Mikael laughs.

Jonas shifts on the cushions. “Can I ask what happened between you two?”

Mikael breathes slowly, their exhale rattling through Jonas’s ear. “You can. But there are parts of that story that aren’t mine to tell, so if you want to know the whole thing, you’ll have to ask Even.”

“I respect that,” Jonas says quietly.

“Good, because I’d break up with you if you didn’t,” Mikael teases. “But, yeah, basically everything happened back when I was still trying to convince myself I was cishet.”

“Oh, tragic.”

“Very. And Even was going through an incredibly similar thing -- you know he’s nonbinary too, right?” 

Jonas nods again without realising.

“And pan, obviously. But anyways, he kissed me and I flipped shit. Mostly because he was my best friend, but also because of all the internalised fuckery I had going on. Still have going on. And then shit went down with Ev -- that’s the part you’ll have to ask him -- and we just weren’t friends anymore. And it broke my heart.” They’re silent for a second.

“I can’t imagine not being friends with Isak,” Jonas offers. “He got distant for a little bit and it damn near killed me.”

Mikael sniffs and lets out a sad laugh. “Yeah, it’s not fun. But I think it’s made our friendship stronger. Especially now that we’re able to talk about gender and sexuality and all that mess together. I really do love that kid.”

“Yeah, he’s become one of my best friends. Isak still takes priority, though.”

Mikael laughs again, a little brighter this time, and Jonas smiles to hear it. 

“I hear you,” they say. “Isak’s the best person in the world for Even, but I still had to give him the shovel talk and all that.”

“Well, yeah, that’s a given.” Jonas moves so his head is hanging off the arm of the couch. “He did the same for you.”

“As planned.”

Both of them are quiet, listening to the other breathe.

“Hey,” Mikael says after a few seconds, “speaking of plans, what do you want to do tomorrow?”

Jonas shrugs. “I don’t know,” he remembers to say. “I figured we could just go grab food.”

“Lame.”

“What?”

“I said, lame,” Mikael repeats, and there’s a playful lilt to their voice that Jonas plays off of.

“Excuse me, my dates are always very pleased with where we go,” he argues.

“We need to go somewhere I can take artsy, adorable pictures of you and you can post them on Instagram,” Mikael answers with a dramatic flair. 

“You don’t even  _ have  _ Instagram.”

“Yeah, but Isak does. And Even sees everything Isak sees. And therefore, it furthers point two of the plan: convince them we’re in love.” Mikael sounds pleased with themself and Jonas rolls his eyes with a grin.

“Fine,” he says, “since you know everything, where are we going?”

“We’re having a picnic in the park near my house,” Mikael announces. “I’ll text you my address and you can come knock on my door and meet my parents and hold my hand as we walk down the street.”

Jonas laughs. “You make us sound like a straight couple.”

“God,” Mikael says, aghast, “that’s my worst fucking fear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this fic has such short chapters??? that's just how it flows idk but it's so light and fun to write so i hope yall like it <3 as always hit me up on tumblr for whatever


	3. jonas noah vasquez is a dumb bitch

Jonas Noah Vasquez is a dumb bitch. And dating Mikael, another dumb bitch, is, quite possibly, the dumbest thing he’s ever done.

“Okay,” he says to Eva, spinning around, “thoughts?”

She sighs. “Yeah, it’s a good outfit, but it’s not, like, date material, you know?”

“Fuck.”

This is the third outfit and she’s said basically the same thing every time. 

“Dress me,” Jonas says simply with a sweeping gesture to the closet. Eva raises a single eyebrow.

“Really?” she asks. 

He stares at her. “Eva,” he says, “I’m begging.”

She’s up from his bed and rifling through his closet in a flash.

“Change into black skinny jeans,” she calls, the top half of her body hidden behind clothes, “and then this.”

She’s pulled out a light blue button down and he blinks because he doesn’t remember owning it. Actually, he thinks it might be something he stole from Isak. 

“I don’t even know if that fits me,” he says warily as he hops on one leg, cramming the other into the pair of jeans. 

“Put it on anyway,” Eva commands. “Open over a white t-shirt.”

He follows her instructions. “Okay?”

She sits up, raising her head from the pile of shoes she’s looking through, and wrinkles her nose. “Try it buttoned up.”

God, he’s only got about fifteen minutes before he has to leave. His hands fumble over the buttons.

“How’s this?”

Eva tilts her head. “Unbuttoned, but roll up the sleeves.”

Jonas bites his tongue and does what she says, and when he looks in the mirror, he’s pleasantly surprised with the results. 

“Checkered Vans,” Eva says, pointing. 

Jonas slides his feet into the well-worn shoes, and he’s a dumb bitch, but something about the way they fit him lets him breathe a bit more calmly. He doesn’t even know why he’s this nervous. It’s just Mikael. And it’s  _ fake _ , for fuck’s sake.

Eva, sitting on the floor with her legs folded, takes in the whole look, nodding. “How do you feel about a little bit of eyeliner?”

“No.”

“Fine,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Put on some deodorant and then you’re perfect.”

And yeah, she’s overinvested in this fake relationship, but that is a damn good point, so he hauls ass to the bathroom and puts some on, and then he’s ready to leave with five minutes to spare. 

“Okay,” he says, looking at Eva. She stands to meet his gaze. 

“Okay!” she echoes. 

There’s nothing but excitement in her eyes, and he’s so grateful that she’s in his life still. 

“You’re the best,” he says. He opens his arms and she curls into them, and she doesn’t fit like she used to, but this is one of his best friends and he loves her and so he hugs her, tight, right hand buried under her hair, and she hugs him back.

“Go get your person,” she says, pushing him away, and he grins.

“You gonna hang out in my room?” he asks as he stands in the doorway.

Eva shrugs. “Mom’s not home, and I’ve got nowhere else to be, so yeah, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course. Take a nap, eat some food, don’t touch my weed or my laptop.”

“Why, you got porn on there?” she shoots back, already flopping onto the bed with a yawn.

“Bye, Eva!” Jonas calls, and then he’s walking through his living room and through his front door and to the tram stop and then he’s sitting down and then he’s at Mikael’s stop and it’s all happening to fast and his palms are sweaty as fuck, so he stops, breathes, reminds himself that his shoes fit and this is fake, and then he walks to Mikael’s front door.

Knock.

A beautiful woman opens the door and she has Mikael’s eyes. 

“Hi,” she says, smiling gracefully, “you must be Jonas.”

“Yeah,” he says. His voice sounds small. “Hi.”

“Is Jonas here?” Mikael calls, their voice drifting from up the stairs, and then they’re walking down and Jonas’s heart suddenly stops beating. 

Mikael’s wearing a light shirt and a denim jacket with jeans cuffed right above their ankles, and Jonas is glad he said no to the eyeliner because Mikael’s wearing some and they’re pulling it off way better than he ever could, and it’s red nails on the railing of the stairs and Converse with the toes pointed toward Jonas and then Mikael’s mom speaks.

“Alright,” she says, “you two have fun.”

And she’s waving and Jonas is thanking her and they’re walking down the street and the sunlight is filtering through the trees and Mikael tilts their face towards the light with their eyes closed, a tiny smile on their face, and that’s when Jonas realises it.

God. He’s a dumb fucking bitch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe guess who's back


	4. the youtube threat

Mikael leads Jonas down the street and into the little park on the corner of their street. They’ve got an actual literal picnic basket and they’re swinging it in the hand that isn’t facing Jonas and Jonas wonders for a good five minutes if he’s supposed to grab Mikael’s hand.

“We’ve arrived,” Mikael declares, sweeping their arm dramatically. The park is cute, small and green with trees that are still young enough to be thin and blossoming. Mikael spreads a blanket on the ground and flops down clumsily.

Jonas joins them awkwardly and Mikael crinkles their nose.

“This isn’t, like, your last meal. Look a little happier.”

Jonas huffs out a laugh. He feels out of place, looking at Mikael relaxed, leaning back on their elbows with their legs stretched out, and he has to remind himself that this is fake.

Mikael has their eyes closed again, basking in the sun, and Jonas snaps a picture.

“You look like a lizard,” he teases, and Mikael cracks their eyes open.

“Bitch,” they say with a grin.

Mikael reaches into the open picnic basket in front of them. “I made us sandwiches,” they say. Jonas places one hand over his heart.

“Wifey material?”

Mikael throws a napkin at him.

And it’s a fake date but it feels real, both of them teasing and bumping their legs together, laughing in the sunlight that filters through the trees, just the two of them in this park like it’s their own little world.

Mikael’s hair brushes against Jonas’s cheek when they help him pick the images for his Instagram.

**isakyaki** liked your post

“Hey,” Mikael says, wiggling their toes against Jonas’s leg. “We should plan a double date with Isak and Ev soon.”

“Good plan.”

“We should also practice kissing,” they say nonchalantly and Jonas almost chokes on air.

“Now?” he asks, and Mikael shrugs.

“Why not?”

And Mikael sits up, crosses their legs, close enough that Jonas can see the light scattering of freckles across their nose. They smile.

“Can I kiss you now?” they ask, just barely a whisper.

Jonas nods and his eyes drift closed.

Mikael kisses him in the sunlight and it feels like warmth spreading from his lips into his chest, his toes, and then Mikael reaches their hands up and runs red polished nails through Jonas’s hair, tugging gently to bring him closer, and it’s tongue and heat and the way Mikael’s teeth are exposed when they can’t help their smile.

“Cut that shit out or we’ll put you on Youtube!” someone yells from the path near their blanket.

“Oh, shit,” Mikael says, breaking away. They look at each other, fear beating in Jonas’s ribcage, and then they scramble to their feet, grabbing the picnic basket and the blanket, laughing and running out of the park.

They slow to a walk once they get to Mikael’s street.

Jonas looks down. They’re holding hands and he didn’t even realise. Mikael’s fingers are laced in his and Mikael’s swinging their hands a little as they walk, every other step a little skip, and they’re breathless and still giggling and Jonas is so, so, so fucking screwed.

They look beautiful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe short lil update for u lads


	5. double date night

Isak and Even meet them at the restaurant and they’re both wearing shit-eating grins.

Even’s eyes go straight to Jonas and Mikael’s linked hands and he looks over at Isak with a little nod as if to make sure he noticed, and Isak rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling with his front teeth just barely exposed and he looks way too happy with himself.

“Hi, boys,” Mikael says lightly, brushing back their hair with the hand that isn’t entangled in Jonas’s.

They greet each other with hugs and head into the restaurant, dropping into pairs with Even and Mikael in front and Isak and Jonas lagging behind.

“Reservation for Even Bech Næsheim,” Even says to the hostess.

Isak knocks his shoulder against Jonas. “So? How’s Mik?”

Jonas shrugs as they follow the hostess back to their table. “They’re good,” he answers, just as Mikael laughs at something Even said and slides into the booth. “They’re really good.”

Isak claps him on the back and says, “I’m happy for you, man,” and then he sits down next to Even and Jonas sits next to Mikael and it feels weirdly right.

It feels like it could be happening right now or it could be happening in seven years and Isak and Even would have wedding bands on and Jonas and Mikael wouldn’t drink because they had to get home to the babysitter. He quickly stops that train of thought.

For now, he orders a red wine and a fuckton of spaghetti, and they all get wine-drunk and warm and get louder and louder.

By the end of the night, they’re all laughing and Jonas is tucked into Mikael’s shoulder, holding their hand over his heart. Isak has his legs slung over Even’s and his arms around Even’s neck. 

“We should head home,” Even says. He’s the most sober out of all of them, but his cheeks are flushed and his smile comes easily.

“I’m going to go to sleep,” Isak announces to the entire table.

Jonas raises a glass. “Cheers, bro, I’ll drink to that.”

“We should probably go home, babe,” Mikael says easily.

“Home?”

Mikael shrugs. “You’re staying over, right?”

Isak and Even are watching this exchange with interest and Jonas is very aware of their eyes on him. He blushes.

“Yeah,” he answers quietly. Mikael’s place is closer to the restaurant, after all. And he’s pretty drunk.

The smile on Mikael’s face is anything but fake and it goes straight to Jonas’s heart.

The four of them leave the restaurant and Isak and Even hug them goodbye out front, heading to catch the tram in the opposite direction, leaving Jonas with Mikael’s arm warm and heavy around his shoulders.

They walk home easily and the air is cool on Jonas’s face. 

“You good?” Mikael asks, amused, when Jonas stumbles on the walk up to the door.

Jonas grins at his partner - or, not his partner. His fake partner. It’s fake.

“So good,” he answers honestly.

Mikael unlocks the door and gestures for Jonas to slip off his shoes, so Jonas does, leaning onto the wall. 

“My parents are asleep,” Mikael whispers. They grab Jonas’s hand and pull him up the stairs.

The two of them tiptoe down the hallway with their hands linked and then Mikael pulls Jonas into their room and switches on the light, closing the door softly. 

Jonas blinks in the brightness. 

“Do you want a pair of pajama pants?” Mikael asks, rifling through their drawers.

Jonas sits on the edge of the bed and looks at all the books on the shelves. “I usually sleep in boxers,” he admits.

Mikael shrugs. “I’m fine with that if you are.”

So they get ready for bed together, Mikael in a white t-shirt and flannel pants, Jonas bare-chested with blue boxers slung low on his hips, brushing their teeth in sync in front of the bathroom mirror. 

Jonas crawls into Mikael’s bed and pulls the covers up to his ears, sighing with comfort. Mikael huffs out a laugh.

“Comfortable?” they ask.

Jonas shifts his head a little, making a little indentation in the pillow. “I like your bed.”

“What’s mine is yours, love,” Mikael says, but Jonas is already drifting off into sleep and he thinks he might have dreamed it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on [tumblr](https://transmikael.tumblr.com/)  
> [buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/edyish)


End file.
